THIS JUST IN

Babylon Bee Named New US Paper Of Record

"Hell, Nobody Believes The New York Times Anymore."

 

Democrats are bringing a new tactic to the next presidential debate. Each candidate will arrive on the debate stage with a child to hold up whenever someone tries to question or challenge any of the statements they make.

 

"This cable TV debate format doesn't allow for long-winded answers and rebuttals. You gotta make your point and you need people to move on," said news anchor Anderson Cooper in support of the new debate technique.

 

Recently, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was asked about accepting lobbyist money and she immediately lifted up a five-year-old girl named Sophie.

 

"Why are you attacking this child? Are you some kind of monster?" she asked, leaving her interviewer speechless.

"These are the kind of people I'm up against," Warren later said to her supporters after dropping Sophie into a carrying case for later. "People who ruthlessly attack children."

UPDATE: This just inner.

At the same press conference where she announced plans to begin formal impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi also announced Democrats’ intent as soon as possible to get involved in a land war in Asia.

 

Pelosi said the two initiatives would be grouped together in a legislative package called “Easy Wins with No Unintended Consequences that Could Never Go Wrong and Blow Up in Our Faces for the Children Act of 2019.”